Wayne's Adventure (In Motion)

As the new King, I am going to be making some much needed changes.

So henceforth:

Scottish food. I’m convinced that Scottish cuisine is based entirely on a dare. Haggis ? Seriously ? How about a few burger Kings ?! For The King’s sake, fix this ! I can only eat fish and chips so many damn times. No wonder the entire country weighs 95 lbs and is about as cheerful as an Amy Winehouse record.

Scottish Driving. Put the steering wheels on the CORRECT side of the damn car and learn to drive on the god-given side of the road ( American Style ). Americans invented the car. We get to say how to drive. I’m not even going to discuss major highways that are a single lane sharing both directions of traffic or the fact that it takes 3 hours to drive 25 miles, or that I can actually walk faster than you 20km speed limits. DO BETTER SCOTLAND. Your automotive fatality numbers are rookie numbers. Get with the program and learn to die behind the wheel like your civilized American cousins.

Biggest New Rule: STOP KILLING EACH OTHER. Seriously, the entire history of this island is Scottish clans slaughtering each other in colorful and unique ways, going back to the beginning of recorded history. One small town had a small plaque in the town square where they tortured and burned several hundred “witches”, who just happed to be their neighbors. Fucking quit it. The only reason the English were ever able to conquer and subjugate this country is all the clans, towns and people were too busy killing each other to ever fight back against the invaders.

I’m going to let Groundskeeper Willie have the final word on this: