Wayne's Adventure (In Motion)

So, Kiwi’s ( New Zealand residents ) are known for being pretty much insane. By any standards. Residents of Queenstown, even more so.

Queenstown is where Bungee jumping was created. You are allowed, neigh encouraged, to leap off pretty much anything high enough to kill you.

And Zorbing (getting inside a giant inflatable hamster ball and rolling down a steep hill…seriously…look it up. ) And since you can’t really sue anyone here, let’s just say safety standards are a touch absent.

Queenstown also has some of the best whitewater rafting in the world. However, when I inquired about getting on a whitewater rafting trip, I was told that due to the extreme rainfall, it was currently MUCH too dangerous to attempt. Even for Kiwi;s.

Cue sad face. Seeing my disappointment, the guide mentioned, under his breath, like he was confiding he was secretly into Donkey Porn, that a group of local psychopaths would occasionally jump into the river with small body boards and run the rapids without rafts of any kind. I guess that TECHNICALLY does not violate the rule against rafting in obscene conditions, but who knows. I’m not a lawyer.

Hey, a 63 year old dude, plunging down miles of extreme Class 3 Rapids at 30 mph, face-first, while desperately clutching a scrap of styrofoam? What could possibly go wrong ??!!

Why am I always in the lead to do the really stupid stuff ?????

“Ummm, what’s that loud roaring sound ??”….

“I will take that ambulance now !!!”

So, what was it like? Imagine being waterboarded…inside a washing machine…within a hurricane. But MUCH worse. I must say that after 90 minutes of that, I was cleaner than I have ever been…inside and out.

Thanks Queenstown for not killing me, despite ALL your best efforts.